8. in media res. (l'amour est un mot de cinq lettres)

[ cria doucement la lune, " penseras-tu moins à moi si je ne peux jamais te quitter ? " ]

-

the mug sat on the table sat in solitude.

a white mug with smooth shiny edges.

the liquid in it had an inconsistently trailed heart on the surface, made with thick cream.

a drop of coffee trailed down its body and onto the wooden table.

a woman hastily entered the cafe, her coat in her hands. she looked around, and ran fingers through her hair. she spotted a table where another lady sat, looking down at a mug.

she fixed her shirt collars, rolled up her sleeves and walked towards the table.

the lady seated had messy black hair, tied into a tired braid. she looked exhausted, sleeving the mug with her palms. 

"i'm so sorry for being late ari, i barely have any time to breathe, and you know that." 

the woman at the table looked up.

"oh uh, yeah i do. i just needed to talk about some stuff."

"of course babe, spill. it's just i do need to return in 20."

ariel smiled.

"yep. i'll make it as short as i can."

-

it rained outside. heavily. to be fair, this was nothing new. it almost always rained in brussels. a short haired girl sprinted into the cafe, saving all her belongings from the storm. she held a large canvas wrapped in plastic. the sketch on the canvas was damp. 

the lightening outside shrieked.

"fuck."

a name flashed on her phone screen. 

"hey hey i'm stuck in a storm right now. i'll probably run late for the event-"

the day was tiring. she was tired. the painting seemed tired.

the people were suffocating.

"you did that ?"

the woman seemed to be in her twenties, the way she presented herself. the black shirt she wore had the top buttons left open. her hair was tied loosely, if provoked it would fall on her shoulders like butter. 

the metal rimmed glasses at the end of her nose didn't look pretentious somehow.

ariel laughed awkwardly. the painting was not one of her bests. or close to her bests. 

"oh uh yep. that's all me."

"it's not bad. you have a good eye for perspective."

the lightening outside roared. it struck a tree near the cafe. 

"well i kind of have to. i'm completing my last year at ulb."

"wow, you're a student?"

"do i not look like one?"

"oh, no not that. you're very beautiful. that kind of beauty usually comes with experience."

that caught ariel by surprise.

there was a storm outside already. she didn't want a storm inside too.

-

"and you won't fucking believe this- she ends up calling the head of the cardiology department because i'm not a viable source of information ? that's ridiculous. the head is a goddamn phony."

ariel nodded. she wasn't in the room anymore. she didn't even know what synneve was saying anymore.

"i'm leaving."

synn stopped speaking. "what ?"

"i'm leaving. raoul found me an exhibitory space and i got the illustrator gig for MayToon."

"are you screwing with me, ari ?"

ariel couldn't look up from the coffee mug. the coffee was so dark. just like synneve liked it. she had always liked coffee the colour of her skin.

"you're this surprised ? i thought i told you before i applied."

"you did but we were supposed to discuss-"

"you don't even talk to me synneve."

ariel watched her scoff at that sentence. 

"so you're leaving because i couldn't be all happy-go-lucky with you ? give me one person working in medicine that goes home happy-go-lucky, ariel."

ariel smiled. "blame game?"

"that's not what this is. god i can't have these conversations with you. not right now. i'm not in the headspace to talk to you."

"i'm sorry, but i don't think i'll be available to talk later. my flight's in two hours, and i took my stuff out of the apartment. for the first time synneve, i can't do later."

-

dark strands of hair fell on synneve's arm. the girl nuzzled up against her and the only thing synn felt was dear god, whatever happens let me not lose her, let me protect her until i die. 

"you've got big eyes. you could make me do anything with those eyes."

ariel giggled sleepily. 

"idiot."

"hey ari."

"mhm?"

"i wouldn't know what to do if you ever left me."

ariel looked up at synneve and kissed her very softly. 

"don't worry about that. i don't leave. and leave you ? you're crazy. i'd be crazy to leave you. buut, i mean if you kick me out for a much prettier girl then-"

synneve laughed. 

"you know what i'm going to do with you ? i'm going to lock you up in my basement and keep you forever and anyone who comes near you should be very scared for their lives."

for a second, ariel felt frightened. she realized how much in love she was. and she realized that this would kill her.

but the moment. 

oh the moment.

it was so beautiful.

and she was so goddamn perfect.

she could give up the world for synneve.

-

the coffee in the mug was now room temperature. nobody likes room temp coffee. 

she watched synneve through the window of the cafe, smoking the worry out of her.

ariel remembered how much synn's smoking habits pissed her off. it's unbelievable what wonders familiarity can do to you.

the coffee was turning cold when synneve finally returned.

"okay i was being an asshole. can we talk this out, ari ?"

ariel had lost the hope in her eyes. she spoke very softly now.

"there's nothing to talk out synneve."

"so that's it ? 2 years and you're leaving like that? you don't even want to sit and talk it out?"

ariel poured a pack of saccharine into the coffee. 

"17 times."

"huh ?"

"17 times we've sat at this table. do you know that ? 17 times we've had this conversation. and every time i've put a stopper to everything i had to say so that we could work it out. and every time it ends in an argument where you don't really care what you say to me. and then i cry it out and i put myself through the resolving part of the argument where i sit and say that it's my fault that the conversation even happened. where i apologise for making you feel too much. and every time we solve the argument with sex."

".. i didn't realise you were taking notes ariel."

"you don't need to take notes when it happens that frequently."

"are you trying to hurt me right now ? with this attitude ?"

ariel looked up for the first time in the entire conversation.

"even now, i'd rather hurt myself than hurt you."

-

"you know you're my wife right, ari ?"

"i don't think i'll marry anyone but you."

there was a pause.

"i'm sorry about the smoking. i feel like asshole. it's a deep rooted issue i can't get rid of still."

"i know, baby. everything happens at its own pace. let things flow. just keep breathing."

"everything's going to be fine as long as you're there."

"can you just promise you'll be here synn ? i trust you with everything i have in me. i think i'll die if you crush it."

synn kissed ariel's forehead and pulled her in closer.

"ariel, you know i love you a lot right ?"

"i do."

"i need you to promise me that if i fall into those spirals again, you won't linger for too long."

ariel felt something crack inside. she won't stay.

she swallowed her fear and replied

"your spiral won't weaken you. and it won't make me hate you. ever. i'll let you find you way out of it. but, don't ask me to leave."

"but it's really long ariel. and i won't be able to love you enough."

crack.

i'm used to people not loving me. just pity me and stay if needed. i can't leave. please.

"i know."

pause. 

"but i also know that if this ends, i won't be able to hate you, synn. it'll just a major hurt. i don't think you're capable of that. and the day you won't want me anymore, i'll still be here. no matter what. i promise."

synneve leaned against her.

"you're too good to be true, know that ? i'm not that good. i'm short tempered. tired. defeated. like a barren land. you won't get anything out of me. nobody has."

"i love you synneve. i really do. so much. you can kill me but you can't stop the love."

"you make loving so stable, ari. this feels insane. love has been so unstable for me."

"you need to sleep lover girl." ariel chuckled pulling her in.

"go to work with me tomorrow. we'll take the metro."

"oh you won't go if i don't, is it ?"

"it feels so empty when you don't."

oh.

"ari, i'll fucking die if anything happens to you."

-

"remember when we had our first big fight and you said you needed to learn ?" 

ariel took a sip from the mug.

synneve looked up, yet stayed mum.

"and i replied saying, you'll learn when you finally have time and when it'll be worth it. this was the day after you told me that you'd never have much time for me."

"ariel, i wasn't lying about that. this is a fucked up fast world, don't put that on me."

"right. you know what you said after that ? you said that i gave you ample amounts of time. and that i was worth it."

"you were."

ariel let out a disappointed chuckle. 

"for a second i thought you'd say are. but nevermind.

 to that i had asked you to not say things like that because the plethora of people who had, didn't fucking mean it. you know what you said ? you told me to never categorise you with the people who has broken me over and over again. you said that would kill you. that you'd do anything. that you'd learn.

somehow you were right, syn. you weren't in the same category as them. you made a whole new category for yourself."

"of course i'm the bad guy, again. how is it the same every time ariel ? with everybody?  i'm the bad guy ?"

that fucking dialogue, thought ariel.

"does the victimization help with closure, synneve ? will anything ever be your fault ?"

"i don't even know you."

"you never wanted to. you just wanted me to love you."

synneve felt her heart drop. 

how were things so different now ?

-

synneve let out a groan. "i'm not your fucking mother ariel. work isn't that important for me."

"you're bringing her into this  ?"

"i do not treat you like you're insignificant or invisible. put any blame on me but that. that is the one thing i try. don't kick my effort onto the curb."

ariel's eyes welled up. she had so many things she wanted to scream out. 

but she knew how volatile syn could be. if the fire was too frightening, she could push ari out again.

"half the time it's me waiting for you syn. to notice i exist." 

the whisper felt like a shout.

"you know what ariel ? georgie was right. i only see the shit i do wrong. i never see your faults. ever."

crack.

i'm your world. i'm your girl. i'm your baby. don't say that. please. please.

"okay i'm sorry. tell me what i did wrong. i'll never do that again."

"my god ariel, you said this the last time. i feel fucking suffocated."

"just tell me in objectives. just tell me what i did wrong."

"you're just as self pitying as i am, ariel. when i said you don't take what i said about my issues in the right way, you usually don't. all that stuff you paint for me, everything feels like a subtle attack. still, i accept it. i read into it over and over and over again trying to understand what i did wrong. you won't even fucking admit that things affect you. are you trying to be strong ariel ? because it sure as hell looks otherwise."

not my art. don't bring my art into this. please don't.

"this is your way of unconsciously hurting me, ariel. and my way is perhaps the silence."

please don't punish me again. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

"and every time we get emotional, you say one day i'll leave and have my own family. do you not understand you're my family ariel ?"

"syn, i'm sorry."

"you don't understand me. you barely ever do."

crack.

"do you want me to beg you to keep me around, synneve ? is that it ? because when you don't want me around, i'll leave."

"wow. are you insane ? of course i need you around. jesus you make me feel like an asshole. for once, maybe don't minimalise everything i do. i even told you i'd distance myself with notice."

ariel's starry eyed little universe started breaking up.

"i wait the entire day. i wait for you be done. you're never done."

"oh no oh how horrible i am. you're dating a fucking doctor. you think i can pack up and fuck off to hawaii with you?"

"synneve. i didn't mean that."

"sorry for not being the person in your head ariel. sorry for being so goddamn inadequate."

soft sobs.

"SORRY FOR MAKING YOU CRY."

you can still turn this around. please stop. please.

"I WISH YOU DIDN'T MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP YOUR ENTIRE PURPOSE. MAYBE THEN I WOULDN'T FEEL NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO MEET YOUR IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS."

oh no.

-

synneve kept her eyes on the dirty yellow laminate of the cafe menu.

"is this you breaking up with me, ariel ?"

that fucking phrase.

"you know one thing i'll always hate about you synneve ?"

pause.

"you made me believe in something that didn't exist. and then you made me do something i could never have done in a million years. something i promised you i wouldn't do."

"leave ?"

"survive."

synneve felt something tear inside her. slowly. painfully.

"was all of this my fault ?"

ariel met her gaze. "funny how i don't think any of it was your fault. for two years i kind of convinced myself that nothing could ever be your fault."

"are you detached from me ?"

ariel didn't speak for a whole minute. i don't think she had an answer to that.

"we stopped speaking, syn. we met at midnight on some days, and spent days apart from each other. the irony is that we lived in the same apartment while in this. you got tired of me. i kept pushing you to try to keep me. i kept pushing and pulling. i didn't realise when you had disassociated yourself to take space from me."

"i'm sorry."

"you're not syn. you stopped seeing me a long time ago. i was just another nagging constant for you. i felt very subconsciously unwanted for months on end. most days you didn't even return home from the hospital. you needed space from me, but you needed me to stay anyways. i used to make dinner and wait till midnight, and then toss it into the fridge."

"you never told me any of this ari. we could've fixed it."

"i don't think you want to. i'm just familiar to you now. you don't love me."

"don't say that. i'll always love you."

"i wish i could believe that. i did believe it, over and over again even when it felt like the complete opposite. but now, you're so far away from me, i don't believe you anymore."

-

"we're watching this ? really ?"

ariel pounced onto the couch next to synneve.  home :)

"hey i could let you pick but that would take a decade and we're planning on watching now, so-"

"atleast i could crawl inside your teeshirt for a decade then, huh ?"

"god i love you."

that phrase would be the death of her.

"hey i love you more."

synneve dozed off twice during the movie, but ari didn't move once. she sat watching the movie, wiping an occasional tear.

when it ended. she realised how unrealistic it was.

how that could never happen.

never mind.

she gently picked up her phone and wrote the sleeping syn a message.

[if we ever push each other away like they did, and if im the one in the bus going to Canada, please come running after me :) 

it'll be no one but you.]

the next morning the only thing that made her smile was a text sent early in the morning.

[I will come running so fast, Jamie Randall will have to live in regret of all this]

-

ariel checked her watch. she had an hour left. 2 years boiled down to an hour.

"i'll visit neptune when i can. i'll be pretty packed so i'm not sure."

"how are you so okay, ariel ? we were planning to get married next year. how is all of this so okay ?"

ariel smiled. "the fact that you asked me this, just means how gone you were in the last few months. i'm surprised you're not relieved. you won't be suffocated anymore."

"you're not even going to try and work this out ?"

"i tried so much my body gave up. still, you can tell people i stopped trying. that i left. people usually believe you. i'm okay withholding the fact that i loved you to death."

"do you love me?"

a fly sat on the rim of the mug. the coffee was lukewarm. 

"well, i care about you. 

all the love i had in my body i put your name on it. you accepted it when it was light and comfortable. you didn't want it after a while, and i had to let a lot of it die out. it was starting to ugly rot. maybe it was my fault for not waiting for you."

wait. wait. wait.

-

it was raining outside. 

it had been a week since synneve came home. 

it had been two weeks since ariel left her bed.

even her phone was exhausted of watching her beg someone to come back. the hundreds of text messages and the call logs looked blurry underneath the tear smudged screen.

it felt like someone had ripped her heart out. left her bleeding. 

another voicemail.

"hey synn, i'm not feeling well. i need you to come home and please talk it out. everything hurts and i miss you so fucking much. i'm begging you. please i promise i'll give you the space you want. i'll leave if you want me to. but please don't do this to me. please tell me you love me. you icing me out is worsening this sy-"

voicemail capacity reached.

the silence made the next week feel like a long continuous hour. the apartment smelled of rotten cinnamon buns and microwaved hot pockets. 

and the spider on ariel's hand was big and scary. she wrapped it up so she didn't have to see it.

still, ari picked up the second synneve's call came through. 

"what are you doing ariel ? don't do whatever this is that you're doing. you're always in pain and suffering. i just told you i was fucking tired of this."

ariel broke into sobs again.

pathetic.

"you have an inability to look at things in a good way. and you have no idea how other people feel. please just let me be. with you, i cannot."

crack. crack. crack.

ariel broke into hysteria.

"synneve i won't survive. please not now. please don't."

"am i supposed to feel pity ariel ? do you not understand that i feel things too ? do you not understand HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM ? you're so fucking absorbed in your own shit."

"synneve i just need you to please stay with me through this. you can leave after this but just please come back."

"shut the fuck up ariel. this isn't easy anymore. forget easy. i'll talk to you the day you realise that actions have consequences too."

the tone after the call ended was the last thing ariel heard.

i love you. you're the most precious thing to me. i could never hurt you.

-

the bank account papers and the lease papers made the 2 years so objective. so compliant.

ariel was no longer grieving. the grief just meant love persevering. 

she watched synneve sign with a stoic look on her face. 

"you're on talking terms with her again."

syn looked up. she knew who ariel was talking about.

"we bumped into each other at nana's retirement function."

"and you're on talking terms again."

"yeah."

ariel looked away. through the window. she spotted a middle aged man walking an obese pug.

"you shouldn't have stopped talking to her. that felt very genuine, when you said you'd never."

"it's funny you're saying that ariel."

"you still play offense when someone says you're wrong. that won't change, will it synneve ?"

synneve always put a dot at the end of her signature. it used to mean something. ariel no longer remembers.

"we complement each other."

"yeah. you used to say ari you're not going anywhere, i won't let you. now here we are signing singular rent cheques."

"i won't force you to stay if you don't want to. i never would."

"i know. and i won't stay in a room that doesn't belong to me."

-

the metro at night was always empty on sundays. usually ari would return home with the girlfriend, but things were sour at the moment. especially sour.

she missed syn. they would always sit on the platformed seats and tell each other origin stories of the co passengers.

the phone seemed to be the only tie between the two now.

"hey stranger, you busy ?"

"uh hey ari. i'm on break right now. george has got it covered."

"i got grilled cheese for us today. how late will you be ?"

"i'm not coming."

the metro jerked as it stopped at the first station and a drunk lolled over the seat onto the floor.

ari took a deep breath in.

"why ?"

"i have work here. i'll spend the night."

"are you okay ? wanna talk ?"

"no."

"oh okay. give me updates when you're feeling good, alright ?"

"i was thinking quite the opposite actually. i'm going to take my space now."

crack.

"okay cool cool."

"i read what you wrote. the excerpt for the plath blog. i don't like what you write anymore."

crack.

"i'm sorry for mentioning the writing. i didn't think it would upset you."

"maybe it's because i let myself look at you in a way i was holding myself back from."

crack. 

"oh."

"i'll talk later."

for the rest of the metro ride, ariel sat in silence.

the cruel silence had started to feel kinder.

and this started to feel like what she deserved.

-

the mug was still left untouched.

"hey synn."

"yeah ?"

"did you ever love me ?"

synneve looked at ari in desolation. "it felt like love. i've not felt anything that strong. that was the closest thing to love i ever experienced. i didn't lie to you."

"me too. maybe if we stopped trying instead of being adamant there'd be less hurt."

"why do i feel like an asshole, ariel ?"

"you were an asshole. till the very end. but that's not all you were. i fell in love with every part of you. there's a part of you so fucking beautiful that i kept forgetting the asshole part existed. but that's who you are. it doesn't make you a good or a bad person."

"is this closure ? because it feels horrible."

ari chuckled. "yeah, atleast i'm trying to provide it. not sure if i'm doing a great job."

"we changed didn't we ?"

"we changed. we grew. and when it was time, we fought it. i fought it. i don't know, when i finally gave up, i thought maybe you'd come after me. like you said you would. silly, i know. but still. i didn't know you'd be happier without me."

synneve didn't know what to say to that.

this was a strange loss.

30 mins left.

-

the invitations for the exhibit looked empty on the table. 

synneve had the door closed. these days, even at home she seemed far away.

ariel mustered up her courage and slightly opened the bedroom door. 

"hey."

synneve looked up from all the papers thrown all over the bed. "yeah hey."

"mum asked us to come over next week."

"i'll see if i have a free slot i can get someone to cover."

ariel now entered the room, closing the door behind her. 

"how are you feeling ?"

"i asked you not to ask me that ariel."

the fear that kept her from speaking started to swell in her throat. sometimes ari had to fight her entire fucking body to get a sentence out. 

"i was cleaning up our closet today and i found the drawing you made me on my birthday. the little things are so special, synn i-"

"ariel can we not talk about this."

"i just wanted to tell you about something that happened in my day, synneve."

"i'm not in the mood."

"are you mad at me ?"

"isn't that obvious ? i just asked you not to ask about that shit."

"okay fine i won't ask."

"you'll not change a single part of you ari. wow. honestly fuck off why'd i think you'd change ?"

a strange humiliation coiled around ariel. and a budding inexplicable anger expanded in synneve.

ariel frowned in confusion.  "what ?"

"don't talk to me ariel. close the door on your way out please."

"synn, i thought we decided on not doing the block thing."

ariel needed to stop. but the drunk never did stop drinking. she was rarely rational anymore. she was just starved.

"that isn't in my convenience. i need things convenient right now. i need to deal with shit. i'm tired of this constancy. i need time outside of you, where everything isn't revolving around you."

that's all the time synneve. (i have made my whole universe around you. when do i get better ?)

"synneve, i deal with the shit too. where you're gone. and i'm here."

"oh yeah tell me how much of an asshole i am. and you're the victim. and you have a huge emotional load."

"now you're going to pretend like i died until you feel like you want to talk to me again ? you know how fucked up this sounds ?"

"what the fuck is wrong with you ariel ? i'm literally asking for the bare minimum."

bare minimum. ( panic. panic. my world is breaking down. the word means something else to me now. we see different interpretations of silence.)

"that isn't the bare minimum."

"it is for me."

"syn, this isn't fair."

"nothing between us was fair. nothing. now, i'll say what i want to say."

"you always have."

"you know what ari, i'm shitty. just as shitty as you are."

ariel could tell when synneve's buttons had been pushed too far. 

synn, if you can hear me, please stop. please.

if i can hear myself, please stop.

please.

please.

"you don't want me around anymore, do you ?"

"okay yeah. i don't want to see you. i have my reasons ariel. you should know why too. if you somehow still don't that's not my problem. if others can and you can't then you're blind."

"others ? you're listening to others about us now ?"

"i respect them for whoever they are."

"and you don't respect me ?"

"you've driven me to a point where i cannot ariel."

"fine. i'll take the blame synneve. for this entire conversation."

"you're fucking delusional."

"you don't mean that."

"i do."

hey synn i'm having my first art exhibit. you'll come rig-

-

synneve looked at ariel in a way that felt like she was looking for the last time. 

but she knew she didn't have it in her to ask ari to stay. it could've been the ego. it could've been the guilt. it could've been the acceptance, that this was meant to end here.

it could've been the tire.

"do you want me to drop you off ?"

ariel shook her head gently. she knew synneve felt horrible. a part of ari wanted to walk up to her and say hey it's okay shit happens, i'm here we'll go through it but another part begged ari to leave.

this time ariel didn't protect synneve from that part of her. 

a part of ariel wanted to go and kiss synneve for the last time.

but she knew that the synneve she was looking for was long gone. this version of that person didn't care about her as much. or respect her. deep inside, this version of her just wanted ariel as a safety net.

"hey ari, i'm sorry."

ariel walked up to her and put her hand on synneve's cheek. 

"maybe if we had met under different circumstances, things wouldn't be so bad."

a tear rolled down her cheek. it had been a long time since ariel had saw her cry. 

"i wish i never met you. bitch."

ari laughed. 

"i'm glad i met you. you've taught me a lot synn."

ariel rolled her suitcase over the wooden floor.

"i love you."

she paused and looked back at synn.

she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.

"i know."

-

the morning was soft and rainy.

ariel crept closer to her girlfriend and giggled. "hey wife."

synneve smiled back and pulled her in. "hey dumbass."

"fuck, you're so beautiful syn. how did i get so lucky ?"

"shut up. listen, you're never leaving me. if we get mad at each other we suck it up and marry."

"mhm. yes ma'am."

"i swear ari. you're not allowed to leave. you're mine."

"yes doctor. done."

"i'm marrying you ariel thatcher."

"i love you so much synn."

"i know."

crack.

                 "you came to the exhibit ?"                                     "how could i not ? you asked."

love. is a five lettered word, ari.

[le soleil la regarda et dit : " que vois-tu en moi que tu ne lâches pas ? cela fait une éternité. "]

cursed from the beginning?