7. tout le jaune en toi et moi.
[le ciel est sombre et la lune cherche le soleil. elle n'a jamais été dans un ciel sans soleil.
"mon amour, où es-tu?"]
[today's excerpt is that of an email conversation between two women.]
1.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail. (gail)
dear day,
sometimes i look at you and i think, how did we get here ? i mean the smallest little thing could happen and we could be in such different places.
and i keep thinking, it's not just my dumb decisions that led me to you but also all the people around me. (all those not so nice people)
the universe worked really hard to get us together, huh ?
im so excited to see the look on your face when you read these a year from now XD !
xoxo
gail.
2.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail (gail)
dear dayton,
you're really upset today. like really. and i want to talk to you really bad.
but you're switched off right now.
so instead i'll write to you here!
today i thought i'd note down all the reasons why i know you love me :
1. you listen to the songs you don't really like because you know i love them :))
2. you don't move your arm that hurts from the pins and needles because i fell asleep on you
3. you take the long way home even when you're tired because i haven't finished my story yet
4. you eat the pizza crusts every time. and the crisps i don't like. and the chocolate i thought i'd like :)
5. you miss your shirt, but you don't ask for it back because you know how much it means to me.
6. you order two even when i say i'm not hungry because you know i always am
god
you've got me so in love with you.
deeply
truly
entirely
infinitely.
yours,
gail.
3.
to: daytonjones@gmail.com
from : abigail (gail)
dearest day,
i was driving home today and our song came on the radio.
we had a stupid argument yesterday and we're not speaking.
i hate coming back home when we're not talking. sometimes i sit in the car and play our song on loop.
and then i cry a little.
i don't like crying in front of you.
it makes me feel so small. so breakable.
everything in my room reminds me of you.
and the living room's too foreign to sleep in.
it's saturday and i did not move an inch. you didn't text either.
gail.
4.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail (gail)
dear day,
i woke up at 8am today and the sun is so flashy.
i have memorized every detail of you. i think i can close my eyes and count your eyelashes.
and i remember the time you dropped water on the table and i rushed to clean your mess.
i also said i was sorry for keeping the cap on loose.
and you look into my eyes and say
hey you have brown eyes.
when you're drunk in an ill-lit room you say youd give the world to look into my eyes.
i wonder how you can go two weeks before looking in my eyes.
i hate my eyes.
gail.
5.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
dear day
today you said you loved me again. and i was on top of the world. is it that easy to please me?
how horrible am i when i dont feel loved even though you say you do ?
why do i keep asking.
and asking.
yours,
forever.
gail
6.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail (gail)
dear day,
i think i'd like it if you hated me. i've known dislike and hate to be very reliable. i don't think you could hurt me if you disliked me. or hated me.
i'm so fucking scared of love.
because then i become so damn easy to break.
and hard to get rid of.
and i hate that.
love is complicated. it has never done me good.
hate isn't.
i would choose the pain over the momentary ecstasy.
gail.
yours, who else's?
7.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
dear day
i am scared to send you things i write.
when you get angry you say things you don't mean. i think.
when you say things like that i feel very small.
and the softest parts of me start curling up.
i know you don't mean it but
yours
gail.
8.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
dear day
you're the person i go to when i'm broken hearted.
you're also the person who's breaking my heart.
if i leave
everything around me will be yours
but me.
leave? live?
gail.
9.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
dear day
why does it feel like we broke up when we're still together ?
(it feels like someone isn't letting me into my room)
you went out today.
i saw you on a mutual friend's instagram story.
(i hate the version of me typing this email)
you went out to the bar we used to go to.
and i remember how much the friend used to compliment my hair.
now i wonder if that was just because we're together.
i remember the way you drunkenly texted me under the table smirking as you waited me to read it.
(i want to kiss you so bad rn. get up)
and then i remember that it's been almost 2 months since i stepped in that bar.
i don't want to admit it to myself but all i want in that moment is to see your name pop up on my phone.
(hey)
(can we talk this out ?)
i fell asleep with my ringer on and woke up at 5 am.
nothing.
maybe you gave your number to another girl in the bar today.
now it's the place you two met.
not a place i haunt.
gail.
yours. yeah yours.
10.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
dear day
theres that one saying - if you miss them let them know.
i did.
you saw.
and then there was silence.
it felt like the train had left the station without me.
gail.
11.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
day
when you kiss me i melt.
you're bad for me.
today all food tasted good.
i'm scared of you
gail.
12.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: gail
day
i talked to my mom on the phone today. she's miles and miles away from me and all i want is to hug her
she asked about you
and i stayed silent.
i dont know, i told her.
she let out a comprehensive hmm.
she said
when you allow someone to know you inside out,
you could either have the best experience
or the worst one
depending who you let in.
they'll know everything that can tear you down.
and someone that loves you
theyll always ever do good things
i dont think she heard me sniffling in the background.
i texted you if you wanted to go out this week. (this week is crazy i'll let you know)
or next week.
or the week after.
my brain tells me it's embarrassing.
gail.
16.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
we broke up.
your toothbrush was next to mine yesterday but
i hate that fucking phrase.
g.
20.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail
day
i don't know what to write to you.
i'm sorry i didn't answer on the days you were worried.
i wanted you to know how it felt to miss me.
because all i ever felt was that.
but you say nothing was fair.
i'm sorry i said i was okay
but it gets so depressing everytime i say i'm not.
you hate when i'm sad.
i don't want to be a burden for anybody.
g.
to: gail
from : daytonjones@hotmail.com
hey
i miss you so much. all the time. so fucking much.
i don't hate when you're sad. i love taking care of you.
burden?
the most precious burden, if at all.
~day.
25.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail.
day,
i felt everything hit me today. the realization that everything really does go to shit.
right now, i don't know where you start or i end.
i don't know when enough's enough.
i don't know how to leave when i'm told to.
i don't know how to not take things personally.
i don't know how to stop trying.
how can i go ?
you asked me to stay then.
i promised you then.
you laughed.
but i meant it.
it hit me today.
that the version of you who said it to me
isn't who you are now.
g.
to: gail
from : daytonjones@hotmail.com
hey gail
you'll learn.
you'll heal.
and you'll know.
i'm right here.
i can't possibly leave
~day.
29.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : gail.
day,
it struck me that i used to joke about this. i'd say, one day we won't talk anymore and you'd say, as if i'd let that happen.
and i'm sitting here in that joke.
and pretty much everything feels like a joke.
you let it happen.
and you said i didn't let you breathe.
and i hated myself for it.
because the first time i saw you anxious
all i told you was
breathe.
g.
to : gail
from : daytonjones@hotmail.com
i'm sorry abby.
i shouldn't have.
i miss you, i hope you know that.
that i love you.
and all the air in the world seems so empty.
~day.
37.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail
hey
this is the first time i've gone three weeks without texting you.
today when i was walking to my car i saw a chocolate wrapper on the pavement. it's the chocolate you love. and i got really sad.
not because i missed you
but because i still missed you. it felt like we were just in an eternal argument.
not over. not over over right ?
and i saw a car that looked just like yours and i ran a red to keep up. it wasn't your car, and i had mixed feelings. somewhere i think i wished it would've been yours.
i realized how i was still searching for it on that boulevard.
i put my music on shuffle and our song came on.
i haven't cried in two weeks. i cried today.
i was angry because i knew all the words to it.
and it didn't matter what it was or wasn't.
because i was home and you weren't there.
and i realized that someone else will ask me all over again
so why don't you date ?
do you trust me ?
i don't actually.
-abigail.
to: abigail.
from: daytonjones@hotmail.com
hey abby,
i know i seem to not care, but i miss you. i think i hurt you too much. i think i hurt myself too much.
i think i am more textbook than i'd like to admit.
i think i'm scared and tired.
i think i'm sorry.
is there someone else already ?
i don't think anybody will ever love you like i did.
did.
fuck
jcejfrjefiudfiudfijdejkewkjewkwdkiwdid
45.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail.
to dayton
i'm tired of your limbo. the limbo i feel too attached to leave. i think the idea of having something over nothing is overrated.
i don't want your something.
i want you.
and i don't think you want me anymore. i'm too exhausted to attempt to make you want me.
i accept it.
like i accepted the love.
i accept the defeat.
i keep asking the you in my head as if she has answers. i ask her
did you replace me
did you just like the idea of having me around?
does it not bother you that i am gone the way it bothers me?
was this just parasitic of me ?
is it easy to let me go ?
would you still be sad if i died? or would you still not open the texts?
are you thinking of me?
do you miss me?
why are you such a fucking coward?
a.
51.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from : abigail.
dayton,
you said that if i didn't kill you, you wouldn't die. you said that you don't run from people.
you sent me a voicemail that i have on my phone. one i cannot delete.
and i keep listening to it.
i keep listening to your voice
and you say
it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. it's always okay. you'll always be okay. no one can do any harm to you. people may hurt you (did this include you?) but i know you won't break down. and even if you do, you'll build yourself up. more beautifully each time.
and i break down all over again.
i keep begging to myself again. saying, please let me text her once. call her. see her. anything.
just not over.
i feel like an idiot, day. for believing you more than i believed myself.
this hurt is unimaginable.
because now,
when the voicemail ends, you end.
and i'm still here.
a.
to: abigail.
from : daytonjones@hotmail.com
1 year. we had a good run abby.
it's okay.
it's okay.
it's always going to be okay.
i miss you.
so much.
but please i need you to take care of yourself.
i need you to find yourself again.
the you i fell in love with.
the you without me.
~dayton
63.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail.
hi
it's been 2 months since i wrote to you.
and over that time period, i had little realizations. more so, i haven't checked your social media in over a month.
i took a trip to versailles by the way. you've stopped all the little things you used to do the first few days after we broke things off.
my family met for dad's birthday and you came up. i wasn't surprised. i wasn't silent either. i told them,
oh things ended with her, yeah yeah i'm okay, oh i hope she's okay i don't know we don't talk.
they don't know i write to you.
to be fair though, even you don't know i write to you.
there was this one conversation where my mother brought up how i had battled her when we first started dating. i laughed at her in disbelief. i never hurt my mother, that's not me.
and then my brother brings up the time the media professor caught me using my phone during a lecture. when i was texting you back right away. and i think now, i loved my college media classes. i don't text during class. that's not me.
and the way i blew off my friends. that's not me either.
and the way i begged you. that's not me. i don't beg.
for a second now, i wondered if you're with someone else. replacing me.
where you'd ask her about her favourite songs and she'd mention the one we had our first kiss to.
and she'd make jokes, and mid eye roll you'd feel like you've heard that one before.
she'd tell you all the things she loves and you'd listen to her but you would know how it ends.
and she'd ask you your favorite colour, and you wouldn't know what to tell her.
she'd get mad and maybe you'd go after her. and you would let her cry and you would not let her go.
but then you'd realize that she doesn't kiss you goodbye like i did.
the way i knew just where to hold you.
where on your neck.
or your waist.
and you'd feel like something's missing.
it's okay. it's okay. yeah i know.
i keep making things okay.
today i didn't check if you saw my story.
a.
68.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail
to dayton,
i visited my grandparents in marseilles and made breakfast for them.
i made coffee the way you used to make me. and i cried.
i know. embarassing. it's been 3 months.
my grandpa has dementia. he asked about you.
i think of all the regrets i have, the biggest one was letting you into the softest parts of me.
letting you get to know the kid i used to be.
the home i grew up in.
now everything's about you.
and you're fucking gone.
sometimes i can't believe it. and then i check the messages we exchanged the last time we spoke.
you were already gone when i said i was done.
a.
i'm sorry abingn,dsmfkjnsjfnlks,d
72.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail.
i went out today. with my friends. i got drunk, and i didn't call you this time.
my friend stayed over for the weekend. at night she came across your instagram post. she deduced it to be an ambiguous beckoning. i told her it was someone else.
because
even if it was an ambiguous beckoning, i didn't want to know anymore.
when i see the you, you present to people, it feels alien. i've never known that you :). that could make me the biggest idiot in the universe, or you the biggest artist.
i feel like an asshole.
my friend asked me why
and i said
maybe i should've tried harder
begged a little more
understood
waited
stayed
she looked at me and said
but you did stay
i tell her
no no like after everything.
she tells me
but you weren't welcome anymore abby.
and that hit.
because in the last few days, i wasn't welcome anymore. and i tried to make space in that little space left in you, but i didn't fit.
i'm not supposed to fit.
and i wasn't an asshole.
because you said you'd come. and i waited. but you didn't look back. not once. and i still fucking waited.
i knew and i waited.
biggest idiot, huh ?
a.
76.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail.
i got promoted.
and you weren't the first person i told.
when i reached for the phone, you weren't in the recent call logs.
and i didn't want to scroll down to a time when you were the only name in it.
when i walked home from the office, i take a detour and visit the metro cash and carry we used to go to. i'm in the noodle aisle when i bump into you.
accidentally, i swear.
you look at me for a second. right into my eyes. it's foreign now, that look. the same way you looked at me the first time we met at savannah's party.
it's only for a second. your basket is full.
you don't say a word.
you pass me by like we didn't laugh about our baby girl's name after sex.
you pass.
and i stand there.
on the walk back home, my chest is tight and my heart is beating in my fingertips. don't cry, don't cry, i told myself the entire time.
i didn't pick up when my mom called me that night. i was mad at you. i was mad at myself. and i didn't have much energy to deal with her slow paced questions.
then i hate myself a little more for not picking up. what if she dies ?
sometimes i wished i screamed at you that day.
because now you avoid the metro cash and carry.
and my heart somehow feels even more broken.
a.
77.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail.
did i technically win the i love you more contest ?
or did you win it
because
you said i was better off without you. that you couldn't give me even the bare minimum. that i would find someone who took care of me?
did you win it because you let me have a better life without you ?
did you win it because you thought you knew what was best for me ?
did you win it because i was the sick one ? the one that hurt you ? the one that left ?
did you win it because you tested my limits and broke them and saw i wasn't the one ?
did you win it because you didn't let anything affect you and your peace ?
did you win it because you always win at these things ?
alright. take the win.
i've never really wanted anything from you.
take it.
i'll pay the fucking price.
a.
82.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail.
i drove past the record store downtown and stopped in front when the lights turned red. i see a couple kissing behind the jazz row. i remember the way you kissed me the first time. when the lights turned out in that store. when you looked at my eyes first. then down. then you came closer. then
the lights turned green.
a car behind me honks.
my heart sinks a little.
i guess nothing is ours anymore.
i have never felt further away from you.
it made me think of a time i had never felt closer.
will you fall in love with someone else to our songs now ?
a.
86.
to:daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail faivre
i was listening to back to the old house by the smiths on the bus today.
i dedicated that song to you a few days after we met.
for a second i remembered how you called me baby for the first time. and i laughed. i always hated nicknames. and then i let myself like it. then love it.
and i go back to that fucking voicemail. and your voice no longer matches you.
i love youuuuuu
that voice rings in my ears.
it's the only piece of you i have left.
that voicemail makes me forget all the things you said to me. all the arguments. all your silence.
she's everything i've ever
you ran. and you said you wouldn't.
but i hope i make you understand all the emotions you make me feel
sometimes i lie on the floor with my blanket and i let the voicemail play.
sweetheart you're so brave
again. and again. and again.
again.
again.
it's okay. it's okay.
and again.
and wonder how i was no longer your home. everything you said i was.
that i would never be that again.
that i would never hold your fucking hand again.
and it hit.
and i stayed on the floor for a day.
a.
92.
to: daytonjones@ hotmail.com
from: abigail faivre
i made tea today. iced tea. which just means i added powdered nestea to iced water.
i also went for a run. my breathing's gotten a lot better. my chest doesn't feel heavy.
i have brown bread now.
i was sitting at a bus stop when i knocked over my iced tea tumbler. i got really anxious and fished my bag for a napkin. the person on the other end of the seat doesn't get mad. she pulls out tissues and helps me get my overcomplicated tumbler together.
she has red hair. bright red. and carries tissues in her backpack.
she asks me not to worry about it, but her skirt has a vast patch of iced tea on it.
she laughs. i smile.
and then i realise i smiled. i stop smiling.
she notices the sketchpad in my hand. she says oh you're talented. artists are always such profound people.
i get taken aback for a second. i remember when you said that. i smile in response. i don't know what to say.
she sits next to me in silence all throughout the bus ride. and waves at me when i get off.
i later look closely at my sketch on the first page.
it is of you.
i wonder if this girl knew that.
a.
94.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail faivre
we talked today.
i didn't think we would, but we did. we talked.
i don't like talking to you anymore.
i came back home and cried. you asked for your stuff.
you thanked me for everything i did for you.
and it felt like a deal closing.
it took me a whole day to breathe properly again.
i forgot to take my inhaler with me.
i remember that you're gone all over again.
for real this time.
i wish i had dementia.
a.
96.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail faivre
to dayton
i havent emailed you in a whole month. you're not on my mind always, anymore. i leave my inhaler at home now.
i havent tried to talk to you either.
i don't know whether this means i've let you go.
it's been 5 months since we separated.
the last conversation we had was sour.
i didn't mean to have that with you.
now it's adding to my memories of you.
red hair girl and i sit next to each other in the bus now. she has a dog. a rescue dog named lolly.
she sits and knits the entire ride, and i sketch. all in silence.
i think we both know that words are futile. so we just sit with each other.
i think this is my closure.
a.
98.
to: daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail faivre
hi dayton
i wonder how you're doing. i hope you're okay. i'm not a religious person (i could be a sarnaist) but when i went to church with my family last week i secretly snuck in a prayer for you.
i found an old polaroid of us while cleaning. we were kissing at some party. i used to love that picture.
i left it under the bed where i found it.
i'm moving out tomorrow. new beginnings, huh ?
im having mixed feelings about all of this.
i'm not ready. at all. for any of this. but i'm going to do it anyways :) i started trusting myself the way i trusted you.
kai and i went to the movies yesterday. we watched a dumb french movie that was playing.
you were no longer on my mind.
i smiled when i realized that.
little things.
you're no longer in my recent texts.
i donated the jacket you left behind.
i wore the red dress i wore for you and i forget the compliment you had given me.
i almost forgot your birthday (it's in 2 days!)
i met someone named dayton at the walmart near kai's place and i remembered only for a moment.
you forgot my birthday :)
it was today.
i forgot that you forgot.
or maybe you didn't want another sour conversation. that's alright.
i went to a phoebe bridgers concert today. the one we said we'd go to together.
i missed you.
but i sang along and laughed with my friends.
i'm okay.
i'm okay.
i'll always be okay.
today i deleted your voicemail.
i miss you the most.
a.
99.
to:daytonjones@hotmail.com
from: abigail faivre
dearest day,
this is the last email i'll be writing to that address. i will also consequently delete the address.
i'm glad i met you. i'm glad i did all the things that we did.
stupid. crazy. dumb. sad. happy.
all of it.
i am glad to have done it with you.
you have the part of my heart i gave you. it'll always be yours. even if you do decide to look back someday.
we grew into different people.
and we grew out of each other.
you were a lot of my firsts. and perhaps even the first person i was so deeply truly in love with.
i hope you know that. that you'll never be a stranger to me.
that if i bump into you again, i'll smile.
these things happen. it's alright.
and like you told me, i'll be okay. i'll always be okay.
i adopted a beagle. i called her maya. (too bad that name was supposed to be for our little girl.)
kai and i fed the ducks today.
i miss you today. i'll miss you tomorrow. and every day after that.
you were the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.
thank you for that.
i wonder if you threw out everything i gave you.
i love you dayton. and i'll be there with you.
i still will when you find someone you choose to stay with.
a part of me that i no longer have in me, stays with you.
i'm not very good at endings am i :))
oh well.
in another life perhaps ?
yours, long after i am no longer there,
a.
100.
to:daytonjones@gmail.com
from:abigail.faivre@gmail.com
[ wed, 3 dec, 19:17 ]
hi
i know it's been some time but i didn't want to miss your birthday. this time, last year i was decorating the apartment with flowers (mentioned that because the date means a lot to me).
happy birthday dayton
sent you some flowers for the occasion.
a.
to:abigail.faivre@gmail.com
from:daytonjones@gmail.com
[ thu, 4 dec, 16:03 ]
hi gail
didn't expect to hear from you. thank you for the birthday wish.
received your flowers. you've always been consistent with the yellow, huh ?
i missed your birthday last month. when i remembered it was too late. figured we don't talk as much, and i didn't want to happy birthday my way back into your life.
we didn't really have pleasant interactions the last few times.
how have you been doing ?
d.
-
[le soleil sait que cet univers va s'effondrer. la lune est devenue trop lourde pour qu'elle puisse la porter.]
"yeah i grow them myself now."
(perhaps, the narrator wonders, i shall do the same.
it is evident that she does not like the concept of rules and boundary walls.
this later will not be good for her.)
i didn't need you to make it okay.
now i have to learn all over again.
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