6. tu me manques, je suis désolé.

didn't feel like writing something fictional today.

instead noted down a conversation i had with my mother yesterday.

h: i feel so empty. i think i feel sad again.

j: was there a trigger ?

h: i'm not sure. lie.

j: hmm.

h: maa, i'm scared.

j: what of ?

h: of it being over. of not doing enough to make it work.

j: it ?

h: her. 

j: ..

h: i hate how people change. i hate how i keep remembering the sweet parts. it's like watching a life that could've been on loop. she's different now. her words are different now. but i remember a different version of her. and i want to stay for that version.

j: pulls a rough notebook from beside her.

draws a rectangle. see this ? this is her. who she is.

draws a green circle with the highlighter. 

that's all the sweet parts. like the flashcards of the countries and the sticky notes. all the goodness you associate with her.

shades the background with pencil.

-and that is the rest of her. which includes all the things she said to you. and the other parts that make up her.

now it's a choice whether to receive that points to circle, you'll accept all of the rest. 

h: but she accepted me for who i am !

j: ..

h: maa, did she lie then ? about all those little promises ?

j: maybe that's what she felt then. people change so much. they're barely figuring themselves out to keep promises that heavy.

h: but that's not her maa. you don't know how she meant everything she said. she said she did. i believe her.

j: heeya, people are flawed. i know you're in denial, but you have to see that people are flawed. they're unpredictable. and imperfect.

and often unreliable.

h: i did everything maa why do i still feel this guilt ?

j: sometimes that's what you don't do. without a sense of searching, people find out everything and then there's nothing left to know.

h: but she knows me now maa. nobody knows me like that. nobody. and everything we've been through together. how do you forget all of it so easily ?

j: you know that quote i keep telling you about ?

h: which quote

j: uff. this one

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

read the last line.

h: i hope you have the courage to start all over again.

j: again.

h: i hope you have the courage to start all over again.

j: one more time.

h: i hope you have the courage

to start all over again.

j: when i was young, i fell in love with someone who didn't love me back. and after that, i thought i wasn't worthy of being loved. all those years of not being good enough for the one person who saw me for who i thought i was. and then i married baba. and i stayed. i stayed through hell because i remembered a version of him who was my best friend. i stayed because i didn't think giving up on a living thing was allowed. i stayed for 40 years.

you had the heartbreak at 17. 

you've got your entire life ahead of you to fall and get back up if needed.

h: what if she doesn't come back ? ever?

j: if you grasp on to her the way you still are, i promise you she will never. if you let go, maybe someday she might come and you might be a lot better then.

h: and if she doesn't ?

j: you still survive.

h: maa 

j: hmm ?

h: have you ever had someone who liked your writing ?

j: yeah many-

h: no. like like your writing.

j: smiles. yeah. but the price to pay for that was more than i could afford. 

h: oh.

j: heeya, love is very overrated. it's very fleeting. a lot of people can't handle that intense an emotion for long. respect and responsibility are much more important than love is.

h: oh.

j: you need to know what to prioritize. you need to know when to stop. choosing yourself doesn't make you the bad guy. you need to know what won't hurt you. it's you before anyone else.

h: right.

j: you keep falling into the same attachment style. with xyz with her with everyone. maybe take a step back from the letters and take care of yourself. the attachment. i'm sorry if you learnt that from me. the staying even though it kills you. that's not how it's supposed to be. that's not love. 

love doesn't need to be some ecstasy or some fantasy. love isn't need based. love can be calm and quiet and comfortable and without the fear of losing your mind if the relationship is lost.

h: i'm an idiot, right ?

j: no you're not. you're just a kid. even she is.

j: you'll be okay. the good parts of her aren't gone. they're memories now. and that's okay.

h: i don't want the memories. it makes me really sad.

j: with time, you'll be less sad. you'll grow. and when you'll think of it you'll smile.

h: does this mean i'll forget her?

j: if you loved her, then i don't think so. but the sadness goes away. you'll be okay.

~

le ciel est silencieux aujourd'hui. il y a trop de chagrin et pas de mort avant.

my anger is sad. helpless. like the song.